may she sparkle

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Caroline detail

Caroline detail

Didn’t think much about it. I seldom do. Heard it was difficult. It is. She’s going off to become whatever it is she wants to become. She will be a student of sustainable agriculture. I ventured into Mad Men territory while in school. We are different that way. The best way possible. She will try to effect agricultural change. Make an earthly impact. Walking our Dachshund this morning (still miss my Shepherd) gazing down at the road thinking back to those days–trying to remember lessons for her. The rocks and tar rolled out then rumbled flat. There are cracks and joint fixes. Sparkles of glass and dull-faced stones. Her life will be like this road. Combinations of things adhered together, splitting sometimes, getting fixed or not, hot in the heat, icy in the cold–dangerous at times. Her feet will walk as she destines they should–barefoot or booted. She will be smart and she will not be smart. Go off to study abroad. Maybe fall in love or at least what she thinks is. I pray she will be happy. I know to ask for ‘always’ is unrealistic. She is so much more confident than I was at that age. I’m hoping enough to keep her out of situations. When one doesn’t like who they see each morning in the glass, trouble follows. I didn’t think she would be teary-eyed. She is. But she is also excited. Imagine, it’s all shiny right now…may it glisten for a long while. This place is more raw than ever. And they all know it. Let them enjoy the sparkle in a bubble while they can pretend.
caroline largerphoto detail-Caroline, age 18
above, painting detail, from a larger portrait-Caroline is 8

12 thoughts on “may she sparkle”

  3. She is truly beautiful, my friend. And so are you. I’ve been thinking about you….knowing your day has already come or that it is on the horizon. When they are such little ones, maybe having a tantrum in the grocery store or somewhere in public and some well meaning old woman smiles knowingly and sweetly says, “We’ve all been there. Enjoy her now. We have them for such a short time.” we just stare and think, “Lady, I love her — but this moment? This moment is the pits!” And we think to ourselves, what the h is she talking about? Because it seems we have their entire lives stretched ahead of us….way into the future. But, then this day comes and we understand. And then you come to the point I’m at in life, and you understand even more. It’s true.
    But here me now, AM, she shall carry you in her heart forever. And her childhood with you will be expressed so many more times in your future and you’ll smile and remember. Abbey and family just took off for a quick 4 day camping trip — getting in those last licks of summer with their two young children (8 and 10) and she texted us a quick message and photo: The kids get older, the places change, but some things are always the same! Love spilling out of this car. We love you!” and the photo was the back end of their car, the hatch open, and showing this oblong big red cooler with two collapsible “boxettes” filled with stuff for the trip. And I messaged back….are those the cooler and collapsible boxes we took on all our camping trips all those years ago? And she replied “Sure are! I love you mom!” So you see — you’ve created so many memories for her AM —- as well as giving her a foundation she’ll walk strongly with for the rest of her years. Tipping my coffee cup to you early this morning, my friend. Thinking of you. Dry your tears now….and smile. You will never ever have an empty nest….it’s always full of memories and it will always be one that is so wonderfully shaped and formed that it will be returned to for many years to come.

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    • Oh my goodness, Lillian-
      thank you so very much for this
      it was more difficult than I thought it would be
      I know it all leads up to this-you raise them to fly on their own
      and fly they do in all their glorious splendor
      your words here, I have no words for but a huge heartfelt thank you and a shit load of tears:)
      am:)

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  4. Yes, we must let them go. And they must lead their own lives. My daughter, 23, is as far away from home as possible, working on a dairy farm in Australia and eager for the day her 4 months of ‘community’ work provides her with another year’s visa so she can stay with her boyfriend. With, luck, we’ll see her for Xmas 2017. Sad and happy at the same time, proud and concerned; that’s the fate of the parents of daughters. A lovely piece, AnnMarie.

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    • Hi there, Stuart
      she is far, your daughter-but that speaks to courage built from a solid and encouraging foundation
      I have no doubt, with such a positive influence in her life (that’s you:)) your daughter will flourish
      and you will always be proud

      she will visit because you’re a terrific parent (though I don’t know your wife, I can easily assume she’s terrific as well:)
      thank you for your kind words here, my friend
      am:)

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      • Caroline will be fine. She’ll make new friends. Do things we couldn’t imagine when we were her age. But she has you and your care, your love, your trust to sustain her at those times of uncertainty. Life will be an adventure for her; one you’ll watch with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. But she’ll always be your little girl and, in these early days of separation, she’ll keep in touch and let you know what she’s doing, how she is.
        Enjoy her journey, AnnMarie. And, remember, you have your art and your words to occupy those times when her absence seems hard to bear.

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