“to live”

A March 2024 sketch done with a ridiculously large Ticonderoga preschooler pencil
“Little Karole” would blossom into a six-foot-tall, gorgeous woman who’d live an amazing life as a stained glass artist. And much later, she’d become my beautiful mother-in-law.

perhaps it is my 60 years of age inspiring the words below, it could be that the majority of my new friends, most in their 70’s and 80’s, continue to open my eyes in every direction but down

“to live”

I don’t believe the phrase “to live” means escaping our burdens

I don’t believe “to live” means transforming ourselves or collecting accolades

I don’t believe “to live” includes acquiring wealth or building empires  

I don’t believe “to live” means ignoring the past or focusing on the remaining years as we age

I never believe “to live” is expressed through curated media or grinning images

I do believe “to live” creates dubious comparisons of one against the other

I do believe the phrase “what it means to live” suffocates dreams before they begin

I do believe “to live” finding strength in our efforts amid others indifference

“to live” brave in our ‘individualness’ while accepting others in theirs

“to live” caring for ourselves so we can care for others

 “to live” stepping forward when we’ve lost someone behind us

And I always believe “to live for today” when it is tomorrow

am:)

Yes, Thinking about Millie Again

Another recent sketch – I call this one, Movie Star Millie, drawn from a 3″ photo taken in Atlantic City when my mom’s life was opened to an ocean of possibilities

To keep my focus on the spirit of an image and not become mired in details, “My First Ticonderoga” #2 HB lead pencil is the only art implement I use. This pencil is a cumbersome preschooler one. Many times while sketching, this ginormous lead pencil really pisses me off, but I persevere, because I need the practice.


Why Millie this morning –

While reorganizing my studio desk, I opened the box tucked in the far back of the top drawer. In the small box, a Metropolitan Museum angel ornament Millie had given me years back, plus, other keepsakes added along the way. One such keepsake, another gift from Millie, was a poem printed on ‘parchment’ and its accompanying angel pin whose wings had broken off and disappeared.

I got to thinking how missing wings don’t matter. Missing wings will never matter.
Millie’s angel will always lift me up.

xo
am:)
Happy April Flowers

The Lollipop Vanishes

(Above, a recent sketch I did of my dear friend, DS Levy. My reference was a photo taken when the amazingly talented writer known as little Deb had a typewriter already growing in her heart)

Man, it has been a long time since I’ve posted. Like you all, I’m juggling coffee mugs attempting to make a Venetian decanter. I’ve been doing quite a bit of writing and ‘arting’ offline. ‘Tis difficult wanting to do it all with the damn clock dictating the days.

I do hope you, your families and friends are doing okay.

Here’s a piece I wrote sometime ago while sipping coffee in the kitchen of my previous home:)


The Lollipop Vanishes

The cold isn’t done yet. It remains bluster-blue out there. Steam from my morning coffee marinates my face while a pen hanging from the calendar on my pantry door doodles pictograms. The wind spirits are still dancing. Shouldn’t have cracked the kitchen sliders open so early. Perhaps the swinging pen is scrawling a message from beyond, should I pray or wipe the door down?  

Time flips on its head whenever clouds sail by that fast. Between sips of luke warm coffee, I remember me as a little girl in brown polyester, a tomboy with a pageboy, and a half-shirted party girl. Young woman with a career, an apartment, a sports car, a motorcycle.

As a lefty, I never learned biker right-hand turns. The bike went away. I totaled my car. The car went away. I bought another car. Got married. We moved from New Jersey to New York. We had children. Moved into a bigger house. Our large dog died. We got another dog. Plus a smaller dog for child anxiety. My children earned degrees.

Our family had a bad eleven weeks that killed my father and mother-in-law and gave my mother a massive stroke. My mother died three years later. I don’t remember being her caregiver. My children moved into their new lives. We downsized into a new “old” house. My husband’s hair turned grey. My older relatives are nearly done dying. A box of Clairol waits in the wings for me.

In one of my book clubs, I’m the oldest, in the other, I’m the youngest. I worry the elder members will pass on before reading the next book selection.

The lollipop vanishes, and the goddamn stick can beat you into the ground if you let it.

Look out there, the gray is fading to light purple. How lovely. That’s something I haven’t seen in a while.


am:)



Sometimes the cold tries very hard

to bore into the underbelly of our hearts.

When trying to imagine the light
this grey time of year can envelop us
in its blue without shadow

To taste the sun on our bones
we must always be willing to barrel down the glassy peaks —
ice be damned!

(image courtesy of some screensaver thing somewhere)

– this morning I was thinking about the ice dark outside my studio window and these words found their way into my cold dang fingers – this is my winter desktop every year – it changes along with the seasons

I hope you’re all managing well.
am:)

WILD

My dear friend, DS Levy, has added another bright star to her constellation of writing-
Her brilliant piece, “Wild”, is a 2024 must read

“You know,” Bets says, parking a wad of Bazooka in her cheek. “The road goes both ways.”
— DS Levy
https://mudseasonreview.com/2023/12/fiction-issue-71/

A Post-Holiday Post

Apologies for the post-holiday posting of this. It somehow landed in drafts when I imagined tapping the “publish” button.

A merry montage for my family that I share with you this Christmas.

May you, your family and friends, near and far, enjoy a peaceful and joyous holiday.

Love, am

Nero the Cane Corso, friend and muse to my sister, Grace; Honey the Pit mix, adopted this year, crazy companion to my sister, Dolores; Cormac/Mac-mac the Malamute, snow-lover and liege to my sister, Virginia; Mojo the Dachshund, long-bodied, big-hearted buddy to my family; and last but never least, Kiwi the Testudo tortoise, roommate and foil to my daughter, Caroline❤️🎄🌟

Bringing the Misfits Home

Bringing the Misfits Home
A Sentimental Christmas Memory

we embrace every relative
     load up the wagon, pack in tight and leap onto the highway
Staten Island to New Jersey
     chrome steeds try galloping past our Country Squire, but Dad fantasizes he’s lead stallion
from the rear-facing seat, I watch the mesmerizing herd of headlights
      trail farther and farther behind       
no other man (driving 90 miles an hour) will ever replace this depth of faith
     my fierce childhood possession, always

into the cold, dark Jersey night, we arrive home
       the V-8 shudders, the presents cushioning our sleepy heads rattle
       my little sister’s pigtails shift on my shoulder, I shake the bones to wake us up     
Tima’s barking gnaws the sleep crust from our eyes
        while we unpack every last ounce of Italian cheer and clamp our gifts
       beneath all available arms
my brothers, sisters and I march like weary soldiers across the snowy lawn  
       we trudge up the brick stoop and into our warm home
pajamas quickly managed, we mime brushing our teeth

       Mom tucks us in and kisses our cheeks with her smile brighter than winter
I surround myself with stuffed animals, swaddle in blankets
       and stare out my bedroom window to search for the blazing star of my picture books
      (I’ll later learn that I’d been praying to Venus all along)

tomorrow, like clockwork, Emile will stop at the corner of our street
       yell out in his mildly, terrified mailman voice, “WHERE’S TIMA?”
one of us will step into the cold to coax our hefty German shepherd
      away from her favorite place on the front stoop to bring her inside
      and just like that, Christmas is officially over

(Opening image, 1980 – Christmas Tree)
(Image directly above, 1980 – my little brother, Vito, me and our goofy shepherd, Rosie
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find an image of our childhood shepherd, Tima, a much more serious-minded shepherd )

Hope you’re all doing well ❤️
am:)

A Two-headed Calf Once Broke My Heart

For those unfamiliar with the poem The Two-headed Calf, it was written by Laura Gilpin (1950-2007). This force of nature came to me by way of my dear friend, DS Levy.

Ms. Gilpin’s tragic, yet beautiful portrait reminds us of the choice each one of us can make regardless of our circumstance or time on this earth. The Two-headed Calf is taped to my computer where my singular brain absorbs it daily.

When I was a child, my brothers and sisters often visited the Blauvelt Museum (shown below) to gaze at its many taxidermy displays. One animal in particular always tore at my heart — the two-headed calf mounted on the wall above the mantle who looked through me with her six dark limpid eyes. How I wish I knew of Ms. Gilpin’s poem back then.

Hiram Blauvelt was a philanthropist, conservationist, art and animal collector. Ironically, Hiram was a big game hunter, and his kills provided the conservationist displays.

“Through his big game and private wildlife art collections, Hiram hoped to promote the cultural value of wildlife art and the need for conservation of its subjects and their habitats.” “Founded in 1957 as a natural history museum, the Blauvelt Museum introduced students, scouts and youth groups to the need to support wildlife and habitats conservation. Visiting artists created drawings and paintings from close observation of the specimens.”

In searching for the images for this post, I was elated to learn of Blauvelt’s direction. When the ‘hunt-then display to promote conservationism’ philosophy fell out of favor, “…the Board of Directors of the Blauvelt-Demarest Foundation decided that the original objectives would be best achieved by redesigning the museum to feature the works of contemporary wildlife artists, built on the artistic foundation of the Blauvelt’s early collection of works…” And among its many wonderful events, today’s Blauvelt also hosts an art museum residence program.

I Miss Her Too Much—Still

I don’t often show post-stroke images of my beautiful mom. I share the image (below) to share Millie’s joy.

Through three years of relentless pain, Millie smiled and expressed joy. Knowing her was a gift, and her lessons of love🌹 remain with me.

As her Halloween Birthday🎃 arrives, I will smile impossibly wide to pay Millie’s gift forward in a world that needs a hell of a lot more love❤️🌎

I wish you all a fun, fabulous, creative, smiling, and safe👻Happy Halloween!
am:)

(image below taken many harvest moons ago when Millie and Billy were cruisin’ around in their convertible Mustang GT, and my kiddies were not yet costing us college money😁)

Incidentals!

My talented friend, DS Levy, has published her latest creation and it’s absolutely glorious!

The stories in Incidentals are hard hitting with a touch of cloud here and there—but not always. DS Levy’s pages will pull you on a journey that delivers the raw reality and the gut punches only a lifelong and passionate writer can throw.

DS Levy’s fiction has appeared in numerous print and online journals since receiving her M.F.A. in Creative Writing/Fiction, from the Bennington Writing Seminars, in 1997. She has received Pushcart and Best Microfiction nominations and has had her work listed in Wigleaf’s Top 50 several times.

Footnote: Deb and I met while blogging back in 2014. I consider her not only a fantastic writing instructor, but a dear friend who is truly one of the most honest, deep-thinking, animal-loving persons I’ve ever met on this creative life-journey.

I hope you and your families are managing on this crazy spinning planet of ours.

am:)